Visited Dr. Rakhee Varma (Counselling Psychologist) for Family Problems
I am a foreigner and around 5 years ago, during my tour trip to India, I met an Indian boy. He immediately showered me with love in different ways. I believed in his words and after going back to my country we started a long-distance relationship. He...Read moreI am a foreigner and around 5 years ago, during my tour trip to India, I met an Indian boy. He immediately showered me with love in different ways. I believed in his words and after going back to my country we started a long-distance relationship. He looked very serious about me and proposed for marriage. Showing enormous love, his insistence to be with me, with the smiling face made me fall for him. He was educated and already had travelled to US and Europe (this mislead me to think that he is broad-minded). But I skipped the most important factor, which plays an undeniable significant role in Indian marriage, the family. After a year and a half I moved to India and we got married. Before marriage, his mother was always giving me a smiling look and I saw no sign of disapproval on her face. We were living in a same city, but in separate places from my in-laws (before marriage, my husband had separated from them due to problems). Gradually, I witnessed changes in the behaviour of my mother-in-law. She started telling my husband that he has changed after marriage, started making a mountain of molehill over such party issues and nagging. Every time we visited them, which was once a week, I was undergoing her taunting and irritating behaviour. But I remained silent and did not even mention it to my husband. Once my husband and I had a fight and that was the first time I saw the true face of my mother-in-law. She twisted our problem into her benefit, by saying that you have to come and live with us in different ways, his relatives (mother side) started interfering in our life, saying things to my husband like why you are living alone, you have to live with your parents. I must add this that most of the time we were visiting them, there was a big fight between them, mother, father, and son and they indeed were a dysfunctional family. And now again they wanted to repeat living that kind of life, along with me, why should I have gone through such a thing! Did I get married to see their family fighting everyday! After knowing the whole picture, every time this issue came up, I refused living with them. But his mother was not giving up. Every time she was bringing it up in different ways and it reached to the level that visiting them turned into a nightmare for me, I never told this to my husband, but anyways he was forcing me to visit his parents. My relationship with his father was good, but with the mother always remained on a surface and she was actually two-faced. After 2 years of marriage, his father was diagnosed with cancer and after almost a year he passed away. My real story beginner after his demise. When we went to stay in their house for 16 days (as a tradition to stay in the deceased house) his family, including his sister’s husband, his sister’s in-laws started creating friction between us, saying bad things from him to me and from me to him. During that 16 days, they were not mourning, they were concocting a plot to break my marriage. I could see the things were off, but unaware of their intention and the seriousness of the issue. After this 16 days, my husband turned against me completely and into a complete different person that I had lived with for 2 years and a half. He was a fireball, ready to lash at me anytime. He started becoming defensive and possessive about his mother and sister (his sister did not talk to him for 6 years and did not even attend our marriage), now those people were the angles and I was the evil for him. Immediately after that 16 days, his mother came to stay with us, she stayed first for a week, within a week any kind of torture she was able to do she gave me. She stayed in our bedroom, going into our cupboards, even our private things, made my husband not eating what I cook (the foods of my country), disrespecting me in front of everyone, interfering into my personal life, putting tantrum over small things,etc. One day I went outside and when came back, she had called our neighbour into our home, taunting me why I went outside, saying things like where u were with whom u were, a woman should not go outside, should stay at home and do houseworks, otherwise your marriage will be broken. I stood against them and told them I am not and cannot be what you want me to be. After standing against them, my husband starting taking a different approach with me, charged me for billings in house and every other things. From the very first day, his mother stepped into our house told me that I raised my children with difficulty and now expect them to take care of me (she expected only her son, not the daughter, she was 56 years old and healthy and energetic, what we were supposed to do with her, taking care at this stage, is still a question for me). She continued saying that if you have problem that you your family and get divorced and go back to your country. I will convince my son for the divorce. I was just shocked. Still after going through all these, after a week when she went back to her house, I messaged her, but after 10 days again she came back. During all these time my husband was not talking to me and giving me a silent treatment. After coming back, she again started creating problems and I said enough is enough. I told my husband that I cannot live with her, she can come visiting for short times, but not for a long time, he said we, my mother and I, are the people who decide when she should come. You should just shut up and accept whatever we said. I said a big NO. Then he said so you want a divorce? His mother listening all these, was shouting to her son from another room, after divorce come and live with me. I was trapped in a big hole. But I still stood my position firmly. I got to know these people wanted to take an advantage of me. After that for 6-7 months my husband stopped talking to me and he filed a divorce. Anytime I was trying to stop him and talked him out of it, he was telling me if you have problem go hit your head to the wall, you will be fine. I even messaged his sister, saying that because of your mother we are getting divorce, she said that is your own personal problem, solve it yourself if you can. Everyone form relative, neighbour, his friends supported that evil mother of him and indeed supported them to break this marriage. And finally we were divorced, and they reached their goal. The purpose of telling my story is to inform women, please do not go under suppression of these kind of people, let this circle end somewhere, during the history, only women could help themselves through difficult times, please do not succumb to this toxic so-called marriage. I seek therapy during this 1 year journey and last I visited dr Varma and she was very friendly and aware of all these mentality and toxic marriages. She made me sure that I made a right decision. There is no point in living a life that is not yours, controlled by some other people, going under several mental breakdowns each and everyday. The scar of my injury is still on my heart. But I hope that it fades away gradually and I can come out of it stronger. Please be brave, seek therapists if you are not able to deal with your pain alone, and again do NOT let others in the name of husband and in-laws take advantage of you and rob your precious life away from you.everyone deserves to live a happy life, with peace, with his/ her own terms and conditions. Read less