It seems so normal for the kids these days to bully others. There are some who rebel but there are many who are scared to the point of being alone, sad and too afraid to talk about what has happened to them, even with their own parents. Unfortunately these form the major chunk of the kids who are being sent to the therapists but not the ones who actually bully.

From commenting about the way they dress to the way they carry themselves and their likes and dislikes, everything is made fun of. It’s difficult to judge whether their friendships nowadays are based only on a need for acceptance or for a love that they would want to cherish forever. The truth is that these kids have come to a point where they are taking every relationship for granted and the danger is when it stops mattering to them if they are hurting someone or they are getting hurt.

So why are these kids bullying others? How and when did they equate love with being authoritative, commanding, demeaning or controlling others?

“Look at you! You are becoming fat day by day. I am going to hit you if you dare speak to me like that again. Stop whining like a baby, it looks like you are just acting. Oh God! You are so pathetic, how can I even handle you?" Do these sound familiar? These are the kind of words which parents use against some kids to put sense into them. Some kids who have been hearing these from a long time end up blaming and doubting themselves their whole life and become victims to bullying. Some on the other hand identify with how they have been controlled or threatened and figure out that the best way to protect themselves is to become a bully themselves and start acting out things with people who are weaker to them, in the same way they have been dealt with all their life.

There is a difference in being distant and protecting our own self. We tend to mix both when we are hurt. When dealt with separately the first one will make us prejudiced about every relationship going wrong and we end up being alone and the second one if well balanced, will make us stand up to what we believe and not lose our self-respect, entailing that we have our relationships intact.

Unfortunately many of us equate standing up to ourselves as being rebellious or rude. It may come from seeing your mother who faced all the criticism yet choosing not to respond back, because it entails a threat to the relationship with her family or from a father who’s blaming everyone for the things he didn’t get in his life, yet he chooses to act in the same way because it ensures that he will never be pointed back. Your kids turn out to be the same with whom they are identifying. So, next time think twice before you react because with kids what matters most is what you show than what you teach.

It doesn’t matter if the kid is sensitive or stubborn, a change is necessary if it’s a self-enforced choice to shield themselves from further hurt. For the kids to change, it takes many years of the parent’s effort to change themselves first and of course an unreserved love to get that trust and the value back in their kid’s life and it should start in the house and not in the therapist’s office. Let’s not brush it off by telling it could be a chance or a curse that the world turned out to be mean and there is nothing we can do about it. It’s never too late. The world is always the way we see it. We can change it only if we change our world within.

A good parent teaches a kid to be afraid to lose and to be fearless to love, not the other way round.

DR LAKSHMI SWETHA GULLAPALLI

PSYCHIATRIST AND PSYCHOTHERAPIST

AASRACLINIC, GACHIBOWLI

https://memoirsofamomme.wordpress.com/2017/10/02/bullying-a-choice-a-chance-or-a-curse/