Suicidal thoughts. Running away from it.

The past 3 months have been emotionally challenging for me. i dunno whats the purpose of my life or why was i even born. i failed to clear UPSC prelims . I quit my job for prep. I've led a very simple life no booze or drugs & not even a GF. Also my regretful past haunts me too. I can't talk to my parents or anyone about it . I'm a rational person & perhaps its my loneliness consuming me. i get suicidal thoughts atleast once in a week. Is this normal or am i just creating an illusion to accept failure & move ahead with a better plan. Pls help. Its out of my control as i was never like this before. Sometimes i dont get these thoughts but when they do come...it just ruins my entire day & to a certain extent my preparation too. Apart from exam results , some aspects of my teenage life of which i am ashamed to reveal to anyone is adding fuel to my state of disappointment in life. I talk to all about positivity and here i am running away from it.